Plain and Simple, I’m Discouraged
Every day has been a battle lately. I go to bed hoping that tomorrow I will hop out of bed and say “Good morning Rudy” to the dog and notice what a beautiful day it’s going to be. But, for the past six weeks or so, I think of the obligations I have for each day and hope that I feel better by the time they start.
Generally I try to blog about how to stay as healthy and happy as possible in spite of having lupus. No one likes to read about how rotten it is to be sick, right? Except when you’re sick sometimes it helps a lot to read that you’re not alone. I won’t say the trite cliché that we’re all thinking about misery loving company, but amidst my sadness I read a blog about feeling tired of dealing with lupus and it actually lifted my spirits a little. Writing helps me cope, so I thought I’d write about how much it sucks to feel like shit all the time, and see if it didn’t help someone else a little bit.
I wake up and take stock. If I wake up and have to take stock, it’s not a good sign, because it means I’m not jumping out of bed looking forward to the day. It means I’m going to have to search for energy rather than just take it. Somehow try to fabricate it rather than just use it knowing that more will come along later. Drink coffee with hopes that it will lift me rather that perk me up. It doesn’t.
I blame the fatigue on the pain when I try to describe it to people, but they’re really two different experiences. If you think of your period though, and how the pain makes you exhausted, that probably gives you an idea. They’re separate, but they are synergistic, one compounds the other.
One of the things that bothers me is that I’m gaining weight. I recently lost 35 pounds, I worked really hard at it and I felt great about it. Then I was diagnosed with lupus because my disease had a ‘breakthrough’ (increase in symptoms) that made it unmistakably lupus (the butterfly rash), and I have been less active, more fatigued, more frustrated, and getting fatter. The scale has been ruining my day right first thing in the morning. It shouldn’t, I preach about healthy body image and weight stigma, but I’m just as sensitive about it as the rest of the female population. I just understand it a little better, which doesn’t change it much.
Manufacturing self-esteem is a difficult thing to do. I know what it feels like to feel good about myself. Feeling sick and fatigued is an automatic self-esteem crusher. I try to do things that I know will help, like exercise, write, read something that will educate me and help me help others, volunteer, or play with my cute little dog. So many times though, it’s a losing battle. That doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying, it just means I’m frustrated and tired today. Hopefully, tomorrow I won’t be, and I’ll jump out of bed and say “Good morning Rudy!”.
Work hard, play hard, nap hard.